When Christians Hurt Christians

 Here’s a book that is unique in that it covers an important topic that isn’t often discussed: when Christians hurt other Christians.  Michael Milton wrote it, and it’s called Hit by Friendly Fire: What To Do When Fellow Believers Hurt You (Darlington: EP Books, 2011). 

The book is fairly short (91 pages) and it isn’t a detailed step-by-step “how to handle” or “ten tips” type of book.  Rather, it is short, sweet, and centered around the cross of Christ.  Using Genesis 50:15-20,  Zechariah 13:6, and Philippians 1:15-18, Milton applies the gospel to the hurt caused by fellow Christians.  When other Christians hurt us by words, gestures, or actions, we have to ask God to help us take up our cross, take off our crown, go to Gethsemane, and stick with Christ’s church (rather than run from her – which is also a sort of running away from him).

I think Milton’s last point is worth noting, since many Christians today mistakenly think they can follow Christ but stay away from his church.  At one point in this book Milton gives a personal example of when he was hurt by another Christian.  A turning point for him was when a pastor’s daughter gave him this advice, “Mike, don’t give up on the church.”

“’As a pastor’s daughter,’ she said, ‘I have seen this sort of thing growing up.  I have seen my father and mother hurt by people in the church.  Sadly, I have seen them hurt each other too.  And others have hurt me as well.  But the church is ‘on its way.’  We are not yet what we will be.  I have come to see that I can never know forgiveness, or how to express it, without being in this place which Christ called us into called, ‘the church.’  There is no life, no growth, outside of it.  It is a family of believers that we learn to live and always cling to the foot of the cross of Christ’” (p. 82).

I recommend this book for every Christian who has been hurt by another Christian – but it’s also for those Christians who have hurt a brother/sister in Christ.  Pastors who have been hurt by their parishioners should get it as well.  Again, it isn’t a long and detailed treatise on handling hurt, but it is a great starting point in letting the gospel speak to us when we’ve been broken by a brother.  In other words, this book teaches us what it means to live in peace and according to the principle of forgiveness.

Michael Milton, Hit By Friendly Fire.

shane lems

Deflecting Satan’s Arrows of Discord

One of Satan’s strongest and most successful weapons against the church is getting Christians to ‘bite and devour one another’ (Gal 5.15).  He does what he can to sow seeds of conflict among Christians so the seeds grow into fights and quarrels among brothers and sisters in Christ.  Thomas Brooks – in his usual biblically wise manner – gives remedies against Satan’s attempts to make us fight.

1) “Dwell more upon one another’s graces than upon one another’s weaknesses and infirmities.  It is sad to consider that saints should have many eyes to behold one another’s infirmities, and not one eye to see each other’s graces.”  Since each Christian has the flowers of grace in his/her garden, other Christians should look upon those sweet, pleasing, and delightful graces that God has given his children.  This is one way the devil’s darts will be destroyed.

2) “Dwell upon those commands of God that require you to love one another.”  Brooks here quotes numerous NT texts that call Christians to brotherly love (i.e. Rom 13.8, 1 John 4.7, etc).  “Dwell upon these precious commands, that your love may be inflamed one to another.”

3) “Dwell more upon these choice and sweet things wherein you agree, than upon those things wherein you differ.”  Or, if I can add a great phrase attributed to Augustine, “In essentials unity, in non-essentials liberty, and in all things, charity.”  Back to Brooks: “You agree in most, you differ but in a few; you agree in the greatest and weightiest, as concerning God, Christ, the Spirit, and the Scripture.  You differ only in those points that have been long disputable amongst men of greatest piety and parts.  You agree to own the Scripture, to hold to Christ the head, and to walk according to the law of the new creature.”

4) “Dwell upon the miseries of discord.”  Here Brooks spends only a few sentences (as if to say – “don’t dwell too long on this!”) to explain how it neither glorifies God nor edifies the saints to be fighting.

5) Be the first one to make peace when there is conflict (my re-wording of Brooks).  “It is not a matter of liberty whether you will or you will not pursue after peace, but it is a matter of duty that lies upon you; you are bound by express precept to follow after peace, and though it may seem to fly from you, yet you must pursue after it (Heb 12.14).”  In other words, be a peacemaker not sometimes, but all the time.

6) Saints should “join together and walk together in the ways of grace and holiness so far as they do agree, making the word their only touchstone and judge of their actions.”  Pray together, be in delightful conversation often, mourn together, and rejoice together according to the word.

7) “Labor to be clothed in humility.  Humility makes a man peaceable among brethren, fruitful in well-doing, cheerful in suffering, and constant in holy walking (1 Pet 5.5).”  “Humility honors those that are strong in grace, and puts two hands under those that are weak in grace (Eph 3.8).”

Those are just 7 of 12 remedies Brooks gives to fight of Satan’s arrows of discord and disunity.  They are well-noted, to be sure.  This godly advice will not just help local churches, but also Christian marriages and friendships in general.   In summary, consider Paul’s prayer for the Philippian church in 1.9 – there he prays that the church would abound in love (filled with knowledge and wisdom) for one another.

shane lems

sunnyside wa

The Heart of Conflict

In The Peacemaking Pastor, Alfred Poirier gives pastors and church leaders a great resource for dealing with conflict in a church.  While Sande’s book The Peacemaker is aimed at personal conflict, Poirier’s is more for the pastor/elder to read as a guide for handling conflict when it arises (it is a great resource for training elders and deacons as well – we’ve used it in the church I pastor).  The two books overlap somewhat, but not too much to make one superfluous or unneeded.

Poirier gives the reader a great biblical and theological basis for all sorts of arbitration and reconciliation situations that come up in the church.  He repeatedly reminds the reader of the gospel of free grace, God’s amazing forgiveness, and how the church lives in light of this grace.  The following quote is one example of how Poirier talks theologically about the source of conflict in the church.

“We typically answer the why of conflict with a who.  ‘Why is there a conflict?’, we ask.  And immediately we point to a who – our children, our spouse, or another brother or sister in Christ.  We blame our boss, our pastor, or our colleague at work.”

“But James (4.1) says conflict starts not with him nor with her, but with us – me.  My desires cause conflict.  And my desires can break a marriage.  They are set over and against my wife’s desires, so I wage war with her to get what I want.  The source of conflict, then, is not something I lack or need but rather something I want – my desires.  We are not empty cups needing to be filled.  We are cups overflowing with pride, ambition, conceit, and selfish desires.  In the same way, our hearts are not empty and passive, but full and active, brimming over and spilling out.  In brief, conflicts erupt in our homes and in our marriages [and in our churches] because there are [sinful] desires in our hearts” (p. 51-2).

In other words, one of the first things to do when a conflict or possible conflict arises is get the log out (Matt 7.5).  We are so quick to blame others and justify ourselves that we cannot even see that many times we start the conflict because of our selfishness and pride.   As Poirier goes on to note, many times these sinful desires in our heart distort our perception of what is going on (p. 57).    Amen.  If we consider our own sinfulness before God’s perfect law, we would more quickly forgive others when they sin against us because we realize what deep gospel forgiveness really means: 70 times 7!  By God’s grace, this results in an atmosphere of peace and unity in a church.  Those who know they have sinned much will not only be forgiven much, but will forgive others much (Col. 3.13).

shane lems

sunnyside wa